Oh, Baby!

Oh, you thought my adventures stopped when I left the gym?  Well, you’d be wrong.  Let me tell you a little about my job.  I’m a nanny.

Yes, let that sink in.  This fowl mouthed, life threatening, insane person that you know and love as ‘Ally the Wunner’, is a nanny.

Somehow, I curb my bad behavior and terrible language at the door, and turn on the sweet baby tamer.  Really, I have taken care of children forever, and I think I’ve only accidentally dropped a bomb once (that I can remember).

Anyways, yeah so, while I nanny the future, dumb shit continues to happen to me.  Let me bring you into story time…

I’m out walking the baby, like I do every day, that I am with him.  We have the same route through his neighborhood, and we typically stop at the same points.  Mostly to make sure that he’s not chewing on a leaf (this has happened), or sleeping; Also to get some baby hugs and kisses, which I steal from him quite often.  So one day, we are walking through the neighborhood, and we stop in the shade of a tree on the side of the road.  I am just about to snuggle up to his face and give him some seriously annoying kisses, when this woman pulls up next to me in her Jeep.

‘Did you see the deer?’ she asks.

‘…huh? No…’ I say, while looking at her like she’s crazy.

‘It’s right over there, in that yard.  I watched it cross the street, and now it’s right there’.  She says this while pointing to the backyard of a house that we are standing LITERALLY right next to.

The more she moved her car, the more the deer stared in our general direction.  The woman began to creep her car forward (maybe trying to scare it away?), and the deer seemed to step closer.

At that point, I ‘NOPED’ the fuck right out of there.  All I could think and picture was a deer galloping towards me and the carriage full of precious cargo, and WHATTHEFUCKWOULDIDO? I actually pictured myself pushing the carriage toward a deer and me running in the opposite direction!  I mean, are you kidding?!  That would never happen!!!  We all know I can’t run… I mean, I would also never leave the baby in harm’s way… but for real… ME RUNNING?!

Anyways, for the rest of the walk, I spent my time texting everyone about this new ordeal, and looking back over my shoulder waiting for Bambi to strike.

 

Here’s another ‘funny’ about my time with the Little Man.

So, as I have established many, many times before, I am weak.  Sore, old, and weak.  It doesn’t seem to matter how much weight I lose, or how much I work out and strengthen my muscles… I’m weak.  I’d like to blame most of it on the back injury a few years ago (remember THOSE fun blog entries??).  I mean, when I sit down, the creaking and cracking bones can be heard across the house.  When I stand up, I seem to groan every single time, out of pure necessity.

Well, a few weeks ago, my little one year old nugget muffin began to moan, too.  Every time the kid stands up, he groans… just like me.  When he sits down, he sounds relieved…just like me.

At first I was mortified, because his Dad noticed and said, ‘HAHA! Is he making the same noises as you??’  Then it just became funny to watch this little boy act like an elderly man.  I mean, the fact that he copies me is hilarious, but the idea that he’s copying something so utterly ridiculous makes it even funnier.

Until I remember that he’s copying me….

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‘Deer Face’, to protect the innocent.

Shirts With Sayings

I am all about gym clothes.  I always have been.  There is something to be said about lounging in a pair of yoga pants and a comfy top.  Did you see what I wrote?  Lounging around.

I’m going to take you on a wee journey through my experience buying a shirt, and then some self actualization.  The time frame for this story is prior to my recent weight loss; When I was still squishy, and padded, and could sit on my ass.

So, I’m in need of a new work out shirt.  I have some ideas of the shape that I want (something to hide the fat), and I know that I want it to be sleeveless.   Gotta show off them guns, am I right?!  I head to Old Navy (where you too can buy cheap shit and replace it next month), and walk straight to the work out section.  After perusing the many options, I end up picking a shirt with some dumb saying on it.  You know those shirts.  The ones that say stupid shit like, ‘Gym Hair, Don’t Care’, ‘Rest Later’, ‘Running Late Is My Cardio’.  You get the point.  It was stupid, like those.

I buy the shirt, and bring it home.  Now, fast forward to attempting to wear it.  It was a Monday, and I was getting ready for work.  I am a nanny, so I get the privilege of wearing gym clothes to work every day, so I pull on my yoga pants, and take my new shirt out of the drawer.  I put it on, and look in the mirror, and I think I am a fraud.  No, really.  I think the shirt said something like ‘Work It Out‘.  Now, I work for parents who are ridiculously healthy and athletic.  All I could think was, ‘I am going to walk into their house wearing a shirt that says ‘Work It Out’ in a size XXL, and look like a total fucking moron’.

So, I took the shirt off, and sold it online.  That was the end of it.

still don’t think I could wear a shirt that says anything like that, even though I really do work my ass off.  There IS however, ONE shirt that I found that would be absolutely perfect for me (and my trainer 100% agrees).  #buyitforme #amazonprime

I have actually said these words, many many times.

I have actually said these words, many many times.

 

In my search for the correct image of the shirt that I want, I came across a few with sayings that were just too ridiculous not to share.

  • I Work Out Because I’m Ugly
  • I Do It For The Pizza
  • Cardio Is Hardio
  • Exercise? I Thought You Said Extra Fries
  • I Work Out Because Punching People Is Frowned Upon (ok, I actually like, and secretly want, this one)

Instant Gratification? …Please??

So I’ve been working out, pretty religiously, for a couple months now. In fact, if you remember a while back, I told you I had NINETY prepaid sessions at the gym? Well, now I have about 70. That means that on 20 days (not including those that I didn’t work with my trainer), I went to the gym, was beaten up by my drill sargent, and then finished off with some cardio.
The problem now, is that I am not seeing the results. I know, I know. You’re thinking, but Fat Girl, you just started. That’s true. But I would say back to you- I sweat my ass off.  I work so hard. I drink kale for breakfast, for goodness sake!!  Also, like many in my generation, I’m an ‘instant gratification’ type of girl.
So now, I need to find the silver linings, even of they’re small. Those moments that will remind me that I’m doing to the right thing.  That all the sweat covered shirts, sweaty butt marks left on weight machines (you’re welcome), and delicious kale shakes are ALL worth it!
What are your silver linings? What do you look for to keep you going?
For me, I’d like to see some change. Maybe in my stamina (to give myself some credit, I can do a lot more than when I started, so there’s that), a smaller shirt or pant size, or at the very least my current shirts and pants to fit a little better. It would be nice.
It’s hard to work hard and feel like you aren’t really truly getting anywhere, but this is my year. THIS IS MY MOMENT! I am lucky enough to be able to enjoy this time out of work, and not really have to worry about anything. That doesn’t mean I’m sitting around eating bon bons and Pringles. No. This is my opportunity to work on myself, and I will do just that.
It’s go time.
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A picture of me in my sweat drenched shirt.

These Socks Were Made For Walkin’…

It’s little moments in my day that if I spend time THINKING about walking, I don’t.  If I just get up and go, however, I’ll be happy that I did it, when I’m done.  Today was one of those days.

Now, it didn’t start out all sunshine and rainbows.  In fact, it probably started just like something that might happen in a normal relationship.  Might.

I was sitting on my sac, talking on the phone to a friend from work, and my husband politely asked, “Hey, you think you could go talk in the..I don’t know, Garage?”  You know… because he didn’t want to HEAR my conversation.

So, I went outside in my socks, and started wandering the driveway.  Well that got boring quickly, so I decided to start walking.  IN MY SOCKS.  I ended up walking all the way around the block, finishing my conversation, and coming back to the house.

I sat my ass back on the sac, and called my husband an asshole.  Like a good wife would.  But you know what?  I walked, and HE ultimately was the one who made me.  Maybe not an asshole after all.

Now I know you think this story of walking ends here… oh no.  Here’s my second section, which I’d like to call “These Boots Are Made For Walking…”  I bet you know where this is going.

Yesterday, I decided to go with Mike, so he could look at a job.  When we got there he left me in the truck, while he went to scope out his new work.  I, of course, got bored waiting.  So, I hopped out of the truck, and started walking.  In my knee high boots.  Whatever works, right?  I ended up walking around 3 separate small blocks in the neighborhood where he was working.

I was feeling quite successful.  I got to smile at all the neighbors, while they pretended to know me, and I even spent time checking out the cute little houses.  And yes, I WAS that girl with with the music playing out loud, because I didn’t have my headphones.  I’ll tell you I’m creative at finding time to walk… not prepared to do it.

…and then we went for breakfast and I ate Eggs Benedict.  So shoot me.

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proof, bitches.

Standing On The Scale Backwards

Well, I’m back.  Where have I been you ask?  Not walking, running, wunning… no, not that.  In fact, I’ve been doing NOTHING.  Between work, and driving 2+hours a day, and feeling like an 80 year old with my back, there isn’t a whole hell of a lot of time, or motivation, to do anything; BUT THATS NOT AN EXCUSE!

If you haven’t kept up with previous entries, you may not know that I have been struggling with back pain all summer long…or as my Husband would say, ‘ever since you turned 30, weird.’  Yesterday, I found out that all the Physical Therapy, and Advil has done nothing for me.  No crap, I’m still in pain!!  And all that begging for a MRI, and more meds?  For the most part, it fell on deaf ears with my doctor.  In fact, the only reason I got an MRI was because I forced it, and the new doctor was happy I did.  The meds?  They ‘smoothed’ me over by giving me basically a sugar pill.  Fun.  No wonder I can’t move, fall randomly, have numb legs, and can’t do half the shit I’m supposed to at work.

So, now I’m on 3 new medications.  THREE.  Fingers crossed, people!

In the meantime, the best part about this blog is that I get to read back, see where I was, how I was feeling, and I’m able to go back, and do it again.  

Is it bad to change the name of the blog?  I’m thinking its should really be The Misadventures of a Fat Girl Wunning.

Oh, and are you wondering why this is called ‘Standing On The Scale Backwards’?  Because that’s what I did yesterday, at the doctors.  Who would want to see the damage done by a summer of no movement.  Ugh.  Square One.. we meet again.