Oh, Baby!

Oh, you thought my adventures stopped when I left the gym?  Well, you’d be wrong.  Let me tell you a little about my job.  I’m a nanny.

Yes, let that sink in.  This fowl mouthed, life threatening, insane person that you know and love as ‘Ally the Wunner’, is a nanny.

Somehow, I curb my bad behavior and terrible language at the door, and turn on the sweet baby tamer.  Really, I have taken care of children forever, and I think I’ve only accidentally dropped a bomb once (that I can remember).

Anyways, yeah so, while I nanny the future, dumb shit continues to happen to me.  Let me bring you into story time…

I’m out walking the baby, like I do every day, that I am with him.  We have the same route through his neighborhood, and we typically stop at the same points.  Mostly to make sure that he’s not chewing on a leaf (this has happened), or sleeping; Also to get some baby hugs and kisses, which I steal from him quite often.  So one day, we are walking through the neighborhood, and we stop in the shade of a tree on the side of the road.  I am just about to snuggle up to his face and give him some seriously annoying kisses, when this woman pulls up next to me in her Jeep.

‘Did you see the deer?’ she asks.

‘…huh? No…’ I say, while looking at her like she’s crazy.

‘It’s right over there, in that yard.  I watched it cross the street, and now it’s right there’.  She says this while pointing to the backyard of a house that we are standing LITERALLY right next to.

The more she moved her car, the more the deer stared in our general direction.  The woman began to creep her car forward (maybe trying to scare it away?), and the deer seemed to step closer.

At that point, I ‘NOPED’ the fuck right out of there.  All I could think and picture was a deer galloping towards me and the carriage full of precious cargo, and WHATTHEFUCKWOULDIDO? I actually pictured myself pushing the carriage toward a deer and me running in the opposite direction!  I mean, are you kidding?!  That would never happen!!!  We all know I can’t run… I mean, I would also never leave the baby in harm’s way… but for real… ME RUNNING?!

Anyways, for the rest of the walk, I spent my time texting everyone about this new ordeal, and looking back over my shoulder waiting for Bambi to strike.

 

Here’s another ‘funny’ about my time with the Little Man.

So, as I have established many, many times before, I am weak.  Sore, old, and weak.  It doesn’t seem to matter how much weight I lose, or how much I work out and strengthen my muscles… I’m weak.  I’d like to blame most of it on the back injury a few years ago (remember THOSE fun blog entries??).  I mean, when I sit down, the creaking and cracking bones can be heard across the house.  When I stand up, I seem to groan every single time, out of pure necessity.

Well, a few weeks ago, my little one year old nugget muffin began to moan, too.  Every time the kid stands up, he groans… just like me.  When he sits down, he sounds relieved…just like me.

At first I was mortified, because his Dad noticed and said, ‘HAHA! Is he making the same noises as you??’  Then it just became funny to watch this little boy act like an elderly man.  I mean, the fact that he copies me is hilarious, but the idea that he’s copying something so utterly ridiculous makes it even funnier.

Until I remember that he’s copying me….

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‘Deer Face’, to protect the innocent.

Shirts With Sayings

I am all about gym clothes.  I always have been.  There is something to be said about lounging in a pair of yoga pants and a comfy top.  Did you see what I wrote?  Lounging around.

I’m going to take you on a wee journey through my experience buying a shirt, and then some self actualization.  The time frame for this story is prior to my recent weight loss; When I was still squishy, and padded, and could sit on my ass.

So, I’m in need of a new work out shirt.  I have some ideas of the shape that I want (something to hide the fat), and I know that I want it to be sleeveless.   Gotta show off them guns, am I right?!  I head to Old Navy (where you too can buy cheap shit and replace it next month), and walk straight to the work out section.  After perusing the many options, I end up picking a shirt with some dumb saying on it.  You know those shirts.  The ones that say stupid shit like, ‘Gym Hair, Don’t Care’, ‘Rest Later’, ‘Running Late Is My Cardio’.  You get the point.  It was stupid, like those.

I buy the shirt, and bring it home.  Now, fast forward to attempting to wear it.  It was a Monday, and I was getting ready for work.  I am a nanny, so I get the privilege of wearing gym clothes to work every day, so I pull on my yoga pants, and take my new shirt out of the drawer.  I put it on, and look in the mirror, and I think I am a fraud.  No, really.  I think the shirt said something like ‘Work It Out‘.  Now, I work for parents who are ridiculously healthy and athletic.  All I could think was, ‘I am going to walk into their house wearing a shirt that says ‘Work It Out’ in a size XXL, and look like a total fucking moron’.

So, I took the shirt off, and sold it online.  That was the end of it.

still don’t think I could wear a shirt that says anything like that, even though I really do work my ass off.  There IS however, ONE shirt that I found that would be absolutely perfect for me (and my trainer 100% agrees).  #buyitforme #amazonprime

I have actually said these words, many many times.

I have actually said these words, many many times.

 

In my search for the correct image of the shirt that I want, I came across a few with sayings that were just too ridiculous not to share.

  • I Work Out Because I’m Ugly
  • I Do It For The Pizza
  • Cardio Is Hardio
  • Exercise? I Thought You Said Extra Fries
  • I Work Out Because Punching People Is Frowned Upon (ok, I actually like, and secretly want, this one)

Flaws

Ok, we all have flaws.  There isn’t one person who is ‘perfect’.  I mean, what is perfect, anyways?  I also think that we can all be our own worst critics.  Am I right? Or is that just  me?  For as long as I can remember, I have looked in the mirror, and seen someone who I thought had pretty eyes, or (on a good day, and after YEARS of hating it) had pretty hair.  I have never looked in the mirror and thought, “You look SO good” or “You’re so pretty!”, despite what people try to tell me that THEY see.  Anyways, the point is, I never looked at myself without seeing all my flaws.  I look in the mirror and I pick apart my face, my neck, the way my shirt fits, how my pants are tight and what the hell am I going to do when I am out to dinner and I can’t breath in them?!  (that’s a real life problem)

I thought as I lost weight, that I would see clearly when I looked into the mirror (I can see clearly now, the fat is gone….).  Instead, I still see the Fatty Ally.  I know in reality I look better, and I see the number on the scale, but to me, I feel like I look as heavy as I was before.  #bodydysmorphia

I currently wear a size jean that I haven’t seen since High School, and I still look at my rolls.  Isn’t that crazy?  65 lbs lighter, and all I see are the same bulging bits of fat, that I did before.  What’s really incredible, is that when OTHER people see my pictures, they are astonished with my accomplishments, and they don’t see my flaws, at all.  At least SOMEONE can see the difference.

Every once in a while, something will pop out and remind me that, ‘yes, you did lose a shit ton of weight, and you ARE different’.  The latest being (are you ready for this?) Crossing.My.Legs.  Like, I cross my legs, and it’s not uncomfortable!!  Only the heavy can appreciate and understand that Non Scale Victory.  How do I explain the next example… When I fold my laundry, I look at my shirts, pants, really anything, and I think, that’s so small!  I have to remind myself that IT FITS ME.

I know that loving who I am comes with time.   Seeing who I am now, will come with time as well.  I know this.  While I wait for that to happen, I will continue on this journey, and work my ass off.

Keep on wunning!

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Clearly, I document EVERYTHING, but this was totally worth it.

 

I Might Be Thinner, But I Still Got Issues

You know, there’s something to be said about being chunky, and squishy, and padded.  Since this is the first time I have lost a significant amount of weight, this is also the first time that I’m realizing that there are parts of getting ‘skinny’ that kind of suck.

Let me take you through a couple of my observations.

  • My butt is so boney.  Like seriously… if I sit on a wooden chair, or bench, or the floor… I can feel my bones.  I never had an ass to begin with, but now that I have less of ME, there’s way less of IT.  #gotnojunkinthetrunk
  • Is it a thing to have a long tailbone?  If it is, I’m pretty sure I have that.  I mean, why wouldn’t I?  If it’s weird or annoying, it will happen to me!  But for real…  I can feel that sucker when I’m sitting down.  Like I can’t lean back because my fucking tail is in the way.  WTF.  #notlikeacutekitten
  • I know this is going to sound really dumb, but I have no clothes.  For real, I sold 99% of what I owned (if you haven’t checked it out already, go visit my Poshmark Closet! Ally’s Closet).   I used to have SO MUCH CLOTHING, and of course, I never thought I had anything to wear; But now I REALLY have nothing to wear.  I probably have 2 nice shirts.  Which is all well and good because lucky for me, I can wear yoga pants and gym shirts to work on a regular basis.  Praise to the Yoga Pant!  #sendmegiftcards

Sometimes, I take you guys on a wild ride to my serious side.  This is one of those times.  Losing weight, while shitty because I can’t even sit comfortably anymore, has been the most amazing journey of my life.  In a future entry, I delve into this more, but for now, I will give you a fact that I have NEVER written out before in.my.life.

My BMI has drastically changed.  I know, I know.  You’re thinking, “Well, Yeah!!  You lost a shit ton of weight”, and you’d be correct.  Sometimes seeing it on paper makes it a little more real.  Now, before I talk about my BMI, I want to take a moment and say that everyone looks incredibly different at different weights.  I see pictures of people, and they look way thinner than me, and they weigh a lot more.  Most likely, because I was born with the shit end of the stick genetics, I look heavier, because I’m short.  I also have SLS… Short Leg Syndrome.  It’s real.  I swear.  I made it up, myself.  But anyways, that all effects how my weight has always looked on my frame.

In January of 2017, my BMI was nicely placed high up in the “Severe Obesity” section.  Awe.. that feels so nice to write.  Everyone wants to say they are severely obese… right?  Since January, I skipped my fat ass (not really, we covered that) right over “Class 2 Obesity,” and straight into “Class One Obesity”.  Currently I am hovering over the line of just being “Overweight”.  And you know what?  I WILL FUCKING TAKE IT!  I don’t even care that the chart says I’m overweight.  Just to be in that section is an outstanding achievement, and anyone who has gone on this type of journey will agree with me.  Promise.

I’d love to hear about some of your challenges from losing weight.  Everyone knows it’s not all perfect, and happy, and wonderful.  It may look like it on the outside, but on the inside, someones bones are giving them a pain in the ass.  😉

The Super Nice Things You Hear While You’re Losing Weight

I bet you actually know where this is going.   I mean, obviously people are so happy for you when you become healthier, and lose weight.  Some ask you how you did it, or what your ‘secret’ is.  Other people encourage you to keep going, and cheer you on.

What’s funny is, when you’re overweight, people will say things like, “You have such a pretty face”.  Am I the only one that thinks that’s hilarious? Because, really what they’re saying is, ‘You have such a pretty face, and if you lost weight, you would be so beautiful!’.  Right?  At least that’s what I THINK they mean, because I am hard on myself.

So, over the last 5 months (and any other time I’ve lost weight, prior to this), people have said some amazing things to me.  Things that would blow your mind.  Like, I wouldn’t walk up to someone and say anything like this, but… maybe that’s just me.

The latest batch of comments have been incredible.  Outstanding if you will.  But, not in a good way.  In fact, I would jot down what people would say in a note on my phone, just so I could remember it!

Let’s begin… (buckle up, it’s gonna get bumpy)

  •  “Where’d your boobs go?!”  We can also add in “You’re flat now!” and “You just weren’t blessed in that area!”.  I mean, they are all in the very same category.  If you’re thinking that NO ONE could say things like this, you’d be wrong.  I actually heard every single one of these (two of which were from my Mom.  Isn’t she cute?  Thank goodness she can get away with saying it.  Hi, Mom!).
  • “You have tiny legs, and bigger thighs.  I mean, they aren’t huge thighs…they just don’t match the bottom half”.  Let that one sink in.  Apparently I have upside-down triangles for legs.  Wanna guess who said this to me?  My trainer.  I’ll give him credit because he was trying to explain why the fuck he makes me do 3,000 calf raises a day.   Basically, he’s trying to transform my legs from upside-down triangles to rectangles, I guess.
  • “You’re wasting away!”.  Ok, I will admit that I actually kind of, sort of, deep down, appreciated this one.  I mean, damn right I’m wasting away!  I’m FINALLY losing weight!!
  • “You’re SO skinny!  Your feet even look anorexic”.  That was after sending my BEST FRIEND an image from a dressing room photo shoot.  It’s ok, she meant it with love.

BRACE YOURSELVES… THIS ONE IS THE BEST.ONE.YET!

  • This one started with a simple “How much weight have you lost?” and it was followed up with “OH MY GOD!  YOU WERE SOOOO BIG!”  I’m using caps for a reason, because the person who said this did it with his eyes WIDE open, and his voice raised.  This gem, my fun friends, was from my boss.

So, I won’t be all Debbie-Downer here.  Most people are so nice, and so genuine in their reactions to seeing my changes.  Even these insane comments come from a place of love, and support.  I know that.  I didn’t even take (that much) offense to the last one!   Ok, I may have messaged everyone I know, telling them what he said, but whatever.  I know that his comment was just his gut reaction to hearing about my weight loss.

I will end this word vomit by sharing a collage of Dressing Room Selfies, from my photo shoots… because you know you wanted to see it.image1

Isn’t it hilarious that I look like I got shorter in the last one? ahhh.. the power of angles.

That Time I Was Talking To Myself

Picture this.  I’m back on the Rail Trail (remember that place?  The one where I got shit on by a bird?), I’ve lost weight, and REALLY trying to challenge myself.  So what do I do?  I start a Couch to 5k program.  I’ll be honest, I haven’t actually officially started it, but I did the day one routine to see if I could handle it.  If you know me, you would know I am NOT a runner.  Never have been, and probably never will be.  The Middle School Mile days were the worst days of my life, and I’m pretty sure that I was always the last one to finish… mostly because I would stop, between all of my WALKING, for water breaks.  I was always secretly jealous, and slightly embarrassed, seeing other kids finish in record time.  They had to wait for me to finish.  Whatever, Middle School sucks. We all know that.

So, I’m on the Rail Trail, practicing the first day of a C25k program.  Starts with a warm up for 5 minutes.  Good, I can handle that.  After that, the shifting between running and walking starts.  One minute running.  One and a half walking.  Twenty minutes.  First run, I was so nervous.  I was alone on the path, yet all I could think about was what people would think of me when they see me.  If I saw me, I know I would be thinking, look at that blob stumbling trying to be athletic.  You know, I’d never think that about anyone else, but I would about myself.  Funny, right?

Anyways, I’m running for 60 seconds, I was handling it better than I thought I would.  The only thing that’s fucking KILLING me is that I feel like an absolute bag of bricks when my feet land on the ground.  I’m not kidding!! Why is it, that I see runners swiftly glide through the air, and seemingly just skip over the ground with their perfect runners feet and perfect runners legs?  WHY?

A little further along and I’ve gotten through a couple 60 second runs, and 120 second walks.  My app dings, and the nice calm voice of a lady says, ‘Let’s Run’.  I start, and I round a turn on the path, and there are two people walking.  HUMANS IN FRONT OF ME SEEING ME RUN WHAT THE HELL OH MY GOD HELP ME… Is what went through my head.   But then, without a second beat, my brain changes and I think, ‘I can do this.  They could too.  Don’t be embarrassed.’  Just. Keep. Running.

So let’s fast forward a little bit, shall we?  I managed to never pass another poor soul who had to see me thump and bump my way through these minimally timed runs.  My app dings and the calm voice of the lady, who I now hate with a passion, says ‘Let’s run!’.  I know I’m on the last run in the 20 minutes and I hurt.  My legs are tired, and my heart is pounding, and my chest is burning, and my eyes are watering.  Basically, I am just a hot mess.  I wanted to stop so bad, but I didn’t.  I had to keep myself going, so I started talking to myself.  Out loud. Like a crazy person.  “Keep going, you can do this, don’t quit, you’re going to be SO proud of yourself, it’s almost over (which it wasn’t), keep moving, you GOT this!”.  Remember…all out loud, to myself.

In the end, I finished, and hobbled back to the end of the path where I parked my car, and I landed on a park bench and just sat to breath.  Breathe, and look at what I just did.  It may have been 60 second spurts, but I DID IT.  That curly mopped, chunky middle schooler who couldn’t bring herself to even attempt to run the Middle School Mile, just ran.  That’s all I had to think about.

But no joke… I may die the next time I’m out there.

But For Real… I’m Back

It has been quite a while since I last updated my ridiculous blog.  In that time, so many people have told me that I should keep writing, or they miss reading the entries.  So, here we go, again!

Last blog I wrote was about changes, and there have been plenty.  My whole life took a twist and turn, and I am focused, determined, ready, and willing to make myself healthy. Not only has it been beneficial for my health, its been beneficial for my wallet!  Do you know how much I spent on take-out and eating in restaurants?  Neither did I, until I decided NO MORE.  On top of making sure I was eating healthily and working out religiously, I also gave up alcohol. If you know me, you know I love my craft beers.  I love everything about them, including the experience of sitting in a brewery and enjoying time with friends and family.  Yet, I gave that up.  Sometimes I sniff other peoples beers, just to feel better.  Sitting at the brewery watching other people drink, while I sip on iced tea, makes me think about how far I’ve come.  I’m ok with that.

All of these changes have been great… and a little emotionally draining.  I didn’t realize how my social life would change.  I didn’t realize how my brain would shift.  I also didn’t realize that apparently, when you lose weight, you also lose friends… still trying to figure that one out.

I keep telling myself not to cheat.  Don’t give in.  When you do, it’s a slip ‘n’ slide down a oil covered runway, into a pool of fat, and misery.  How’s that visual?  I spent 34 years of my life doing whatever the hell I wanted, and look where it got me!  No where good, I can tell you that.  So, it’s time.  Time to see who I can really be, and continue to challenge myself to be a better, healthier, happier person.

But- enough of the mushy shit.  Lets get into the funny crap.  See you in the next entry!!

 

BTW- I promise there are more huge changes ahead.

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