That Time I Ran

So, I decided I would actually attempt to run.  Not Wun… but run.  This takes a lot of courage for me to do, as you may know from previous posts, and attempts I’ve made.

I planned it out, so I would go to the local high school football field/track at night, and no one would have to watch me look like a moron.  Dark night sky=no one can see me.

Unfortunately for me, I guess I didn’t wait until it was late enough, and people were ALL over the track.  When I got there, there were runners, walkers, people strolling… and people pushing strollers.

I decided to just start out by walking.  The plan was to walk until I was comfortable enough to run.  I decided to take my ‘getting comfortable’ time to study the people who were running by me.

One man looked stiff.  I knew I felt stiff when I ran, so I watched him to see what NOT to do.  Another guy seemed to be gliding across the track, effortlessly.  I studied how his feet hit the ground, and how his body moved.

With all of this watching, studying, and observing, I felt like I was finally ready.  It only took FIVE laps around the track to get to this point.

I start out running, trying to pace myself to conserve my energy, so I can make it all the way around the track without stopping.  I get around the first turn, and I’m proud of myself, but I’m actually dying.  My lungs are already burning, and my legs feel stiff.  In fact, all I kept thinking was that my legs weren’t moving fast enough for my body, and at some point I would be falling on my face.  Never mind that, but I couldn’t help but think about how heavy my legs felt, slamming against the ground.

Second turn, and I’m half way there.  This is when I start talking to myself.
‘You can do this!’
‘You’re going to be so proud of yourself!!’
‘If you keep going, you can say that you did it without stopping!’
‘Don’t die!’
‘Keep moving your feet, and you won’t fall’
‘You don’t look as stupid as you think you do’
‘You are so damn athletic!  Look at you go!’

These words of affirmation for myself lasted a whole half of a side of the track.  I’m almost to the end.  I haven’t stopped.  I am pretty sure I’m actually dying.  I know that if I make it to the end, without stopping, I will have accomplished a serious victory in my world.

I near the end of the track, back to where I started running, in the first place.  I had made it. Some how, I made it.  I stop and grab my water.  I’m feeling successful, and incredibly athletic, I hobble to the benches and plop down.  I then proceeded to google what the distance is for one lap around a typical football field track… for science.

When I got home, I started explaining this entire adventure to Mike.  He just sat silently, and listened to me.  At one point, when I was talking about my observations of other runners, his face kind of twisted up, and if I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure he slightly rolled his eyes.

At the end of my story time, he looked at me and said, ‘You’re ridiculous.’

“Why?!” I asked
“Because you studied other runners…. what is wrong with you?” and then he laughed in my face.

*SIDE NOTE: The week after this running extravaganza, Mike and I were driving, and we saw a man running.  I made a comment about how he looked kind of uncomfortable.  Mike agreed, and mentioned that the man looked like he was landing hard on his feet all while aggressively kicking his legs back… and then proceeded to question if THAT’S what I look like, when I run.  Nope, I’m pretty sure I look like a toddler learning to walk for the first time.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not a runner.

90% sure that I took this PRIOR to running… when I was
still full of life, and hope, and promise.


The Clap

Our bodies make noises.  If you pretend yours doesn’t, then you’re just fooling yourself.  Not only do our bodies make noises, but we aren’t the only ones who hear them.

When my knees crack, the snaps can be heard from across the room by the deaf.  When my ankles pop, it sounds like the creaks from an old wooden chair.  I mean, I KNOW that when I move, everyone hears it.  Let’s not forget that I moan and groan when I stand up and sit down, so much so, that the baby I nanny has picked up the habit to moan and groan when he stands up and sits down.

So, it may surprise you that in my twisted sense of reality, I really figured that NO ONE heard… the clap.

It’s no secret that when you lose weight, you don’t just magically lose all of the skin that you spent years stretching out.  Nope, that shit stays with you.  Like a badge of honor, or a fat tax, or something.

Well, as I lose my padding, I gain sag.  Lately, I have noticed that my body has a new noise.  It claps.  Like, when I have my arm up, and I let it down real fast.  MY BODY CLAPS FOR ME.  I actually sent this as a text to my two girlfriends from High School.  I told them that it was super nice of my body to give me a round of applause when I’m up walking around.  Still, I thought I was the only one who could hear it.

I wasn’t.

So, it’s a Thursday, and I’m at the gym.  I’m actually in an absolutely terrible mood.  Like, my normal ‘funny ha-ha I’m going to kill you’ jokes to my trainer, had a much more authentic vibe on this particular day, if you know what I’m saying.  Honestly, I was in no mood to joke.  No mood to play around.  I was angry with the work out.  I was angry with my lack of ability.  I was angry with the Plyo Box (i.e.: Devil Box).

I’m doing step ups, and struggling with them.  I have three sets of ten step ups, per leg.  I’m on my last set of 10 for my last leg, and I raise my arms to catch my balance.  As I step back down to the ground, my arms come down, and…


My trainer starts to laugh a little, and in a quick moment, he stops.  I think he sucked that shit back inside, in fear of actually being slapped across his face. (full disclosure: I wouldn’t ever hit him, no matter how mad I was… I’m really not a violent, mean person.  I just play one, at the gym.)

I am physically dying.  I’m trying to catch my breath. I’m trying to not die.  I’m trying not to laugh, because well… that shit was funny.

At that moment, I remember what I said to my friends.  My body was clapping for me.  I was actually receiving a round of applause from my body, for making it through my work out.  I’ll take it.



Fat Girl Hiatus

a.k.a. It’s Too Damn Hot To Wun

a.k.a. I’m Still Broken

Whelp, it’s been about 4 weeks since I went on Short Term Disability (for those of you paying attention, that would be STD).  I’m still not allowed to work.  I’m still not feeling 100%.  I’m depressed.

Ok, Im exaggerating, I’m not depressed; but it is a little bit a buzz kill to be home, and not ALLOWED to work with my team, before my move to my new store.  On the other hand, one might say that I have all the time in the world to wun!  One might say that, but not me.  It’s just too damn hot, and humid, and my back hurts, and I woke up late, forgot my hair tie, my mom called, Dr. Phil is on………..

It’s so easy to make an excuse, but I’ll admit that I MISS wunning.  I miss the looks from people on the walk, and I miss buying new wunning gear, and I miss the bird poop!  Nope, take that back.  I can do without the bird poop.

It’s been a very busy (work free) hiatus for me.  I did a lot of moving, and a lot of messing up the old back some more.  It all started with my best friend’s Bachelorette Party, and ended with her wedding.  I’m going to leave it with that, too many details go against the pledge the bridesmaids and I made….. JK.  (Or am I!??)  Just know there was a LOT of dancing, a LOT of drinking, and a LOT of Advil!

This week I also managed to venture to NYC to babysit my favorite 9 month old in the world, Lila Loo Pants (birth given name, obviously), my niece.  Although I didn’t track it, we did some walking.  It was a challenge, because not only was I moving more than I have in the last few weeks, I was also pushing a carriage (90% up hill).  Never mind the obvious need to pick her up, swing her around, and throw her into the air, ultimately moving my body in positions it hasn’t seen in a month or so.  While playing with LLP, it was really fun to see the world through her eyes; Sand, water, swings, walks, new teeth…the works.  I tried to be good and do my “PT Homework”, stretching my legs, while playing with her on the floor, but that just invited her to the challenge of climbing ‘Mt. Ally’, and trying to get to the other side of me.  I did my best, and that’s what counts.

I’ll end with this: My Pledge To My Loyal Readers (and laughers)-

I WILL Wun this week.  I will get off my Fat Girl throne, and make myself happy.  I will wear pretty wunning gear, and put my make-up on, and I will wave joyfully to the passers by.




My hair for the wedding… and yes, I always take ridiculous pictures.


At one point or another, we were ALL excited for things like peaches….

79.1; That’s more than THREE Boston Marathons.

Ever have one of those moments when you think to yourself, “I really should be _____” (fill in the blank).  I had one of those moments as the rain was pouring down, causing my back to ache just a tad bit more, and preventing me from taking my walk.  My walk, by the way, is the only thing that is helping my back pain feel any better, besides the Physical Therapy twice a week.  Have I mentioned how much I love PT?  …the way they massage my butt, and load me with heat and ice…. this stuff is great.

Anyways, back to the story at hand, so I’m feeling a little crappy because I can’t get outside to walk.  So, I open up my MapMyWalk webpage on my computer, and marvel in the information before my eyes….

Since the beginning of May:

DISTANCE-79.1 miles

DURATION- 21:55 hours

CALORIES- 12,780 burned

WORKOUTS- 40 completed

Ok, back to feeling HAPPY and UPBEAT! I’m pushing myself as far as I can go right now, and I will continue to grow, and get better, and be faster, and impress myself.

Besides, screw the rain!  I’ve WUN in rain before!  I can do it again!

Picture 011Before
IMG_3887DURING… (after is something we’re always working towards)