“I See Land!”

I try really hard to not bring the outside emotions of my life into my sessions with Franz.  It seems like lately, the gym is my only constant place to be ME.  I focus, I smile, I have fun (go figure!).  So, when I have a lot going on in my head (which is always), I try hard to let it go, when I walk into my gym.

The other night, I couldn’t do it.  I walked in, and I. Was. Pissed.  I had had a tough day, and right before I walked into the gym, one more thing just set me off.  I was fuming.

I got onto the rower, and rowed faster than I ever had… until I couldn’t breath.  Then it was time to work out.  The whole time, Franz kept asking if I was going to make it, or if I was OK to keep going.  In between sets, I found myself slumped over and I would immediately start to think.  Tears of frustration and being overwhelmed, would well up in my eyes.  Then, Franz would say, ‘Are you ready?’, and I was back at it.

In some ways the frustration and anger and sadness made me want to push harder.  In other ways I would lose strength and confidence.  My emotions were clearly affecting me.

This was shaping up to be one of the worst sessions because I couldn’t even remember what exercise I had done; My head was OBVIOUSLY in another place.

This all changed at the very end…

Franz truly knows when I’m at my end.  When I can’t push any more.  When I’m at my weakest.  That’s usually when he makes me do the sled.

At the end of my session, Franz looks at the clock and says, ‘Good, we have two more minutes’.  He walks over to the sleds, grabs the biggest one (the same man-sled I have mentioned in the past), and drops a 45 lb weight on it.  As he turns around to get another one, I drag my ass over, hold onto the handle bar, and brace myself for the worst push of my life.  And then, in usual Franz style, he makes it worse.

He has this light bulb moment, takes the 45lb weight off of the sled, and STANDS on the front.

(This is going to be a small insight as to what Franz looks like… and what I like most about our alias ‘Franz’, is that it allows you to have your OWN idea of what he looks like… but thats ok.  This needs to happen.)

This tall, JACKED, 245 pound man, is STANDING on the front of an already VERY heavy sled.  Then he says, PUSH ME!

I am weak.  I am pushing with all of my strength.  He is yelling at me to keep going.  All I can focus on is how every single muscle in my body is being used, and I can’t do anything to relax any little bit of it.

Then he says…

‘I feel like Christopher Columbus!’

‘I see land!’

I’m. Dying. Laughing. For the first time in my entire session- hell, my entire DAY, I am smiling and laughing.  Unfortunately for me, the laughing took every bit of energy I had left, and it stopped me in my tracks.  To even get the strength to get going again, to finish pushing him down the track, and back to the beginning again, was hard enough.  Add in the fact that I had the ass of my trainer in my face, while he was just hanging on for a ride at my expense, all while trying to make me laugh; It was HARD.

We got to the end, and another person at the gym walked over and said, ‘Damn!  She’s tough!!  Go easy on her Franz!’.  Sometimes, that’s the kind of stuff you need to hear.  It’s proof that I really am working hard and doing insane things…

I may have told that kid that Franz calls me at the end of his day to come back and give him piggy back rides to his house.

Franz doesn’t think I’m funny.

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You Got A Friend In Me…

Or not.  (stick with me, this is lengthy, but worth it)

A few posts ago, I mentioned that when you lose weight, or change your lifestyle, it seems that so many other things change along with it.

For real.  I had no idea how losing weight, and changing my bad habits, would affect the people around me.  Most of the amazing people in my life understand that this is the best thing for me, and do their best to support me.  Some don’t.

I mean to an extent, I can understand why some people start to pull away.  When you’re used to going out to eat with someone, and having drinks, and talking about weight and how you wish you could lose some, and stuffing your face with crappy food because you wallow about your life together- it must be hard when someone in that relationship changes, and doesn’t do any of that anymore.

What doesn’t make sense to me, is that if you’re ‘good friends’ with someone, and you have shared some seriously intimate parts of your life with them, and you have supported each other through thick and thin, that that ‘good friend’ would disappear, instead of being there for you, when you decided to be the best version of yourself.

Nope.

For me and my friendship, it started out great.  This person was by my side every step of the way on this journey.  She would tell me that she would support me, and instead of drinking and going out to eat when we hung out, we could go walking, or get a coffee!  She was so supportive, caring, loving.  She even bought me a bunch of really helpful things for my weightless journey, including shaker bottles, and a journal, among other amazing items.  That sounds like the kind of person you would want in your corner, when you decide to change your life for the better, right?  That’s what I thought, too.

Apparently I’m wrong.  I’m still not quite sure what happened, or even why it happened.  I can’t seem to put my finger on one specific event that may have triggered the downfall of our relationship.  In fact, there wasn’t even a downfall.  It just stopped.  Everything STOPPED.  No more support.  No more encouragement.  No more spending time together.  Even our daily (all day, every day) texts stopped.  I mean, completely out of the blue.  Done.

Sometimes, I think about it and get really deep in my thoughts, and start beating myself up.  What if I hadn’t started to take care of myself?  What if I kept going out with her to bars, just like we have for years and years?  What if I didn’t change?  Would she still be by my side?  And then I have to remind myself that I am doing this for ME.  First and foremost, I needed to be healthy again.  I would do this all over, in a heartbeat, even knowing that I would lose one of the closest, most important people to me.

Maybe someday she will wander back into my life, and I will be able to put this behind me, and reconnect.  Maybe I’ll even find out what really happened and why I lost her in the first place.  Maybe… but if I don’t, I have to remind myself, that what’s happened, happened.  What’s done, is done.

I am healthy.  I am working on being happy.  If people don’t support that, then there is no space for them in my life.  In fact, even if I wasn’t on this journey, I wouldn’t be able to keep someone like that, around me.  No one should.

We live in a society where the number of Facebook ‘friends’, or Instagram followers you have, defines how… I don’t know, popular you are?  Maybe well liked?  I don’t know.  I just know that recently, in light of this loss of friendship, I have deleted many people from my Facebook friends list.  I am done pretending to be friends.  I want genuine, real, supportive, amazing, happy, positive people around me.  Period.

Was this entry a downer?  I hope not.  Writing it was therapeutic. I got this off my chest, and out of my head.  Everyone should be able to share their struggles. Everyone should feel supported when they need it most.  End of story.

It’s Been A While…

No, not from excersising, or watching what I am eating; but from blogging about it.

In fact, life gets busy sometimes, am I right?  Summer events, work, school, parties, dinners with friends… things happen and they get in our way.  This post is to prove that no matter what comes your way, you can work out, be healthy, and be a better you.

Let’s start here; In the last year, I had a debilitating back injury, took a promotion at work in another state, lost my uncle, lost my job, went through a bit of a depression, went on vacation, got motivated, and got moving.

I have lost 33 pounds and a total of 41 inches.  Want some more to marinate on?  Let’s talk totals for working out… in the last year I have:

Gone 414.5 Miles

Burned 99,961 Calories

Worked out 238 times

In a total time of 108:42:46

Those numbers astound me, and I’m the one who’s working out!  The best part is, those numbers aren’t even accurate!  Countless times, I have forgotten to track my moves.

So, there it is, proof that even if life brings you plenty of ‘downs’ you are in complete control of your ‘ups’.