Do You Have Five Minutes?

It’s Thursday night.  I have completed two sessions with my new trainer, and I’m laying on my couch recuperating.  My phone buzzes and it says that I have a text from my old trainer.

‘How was the first week?’ he asks.

‘Well, I didn’t swear’ I answered.

After a few back and forth messages about my new trainers training technique, he asks what I am doing on Friday morning.  I tell him I’m going to visit my grandparents…but why???

‘I wanted to see if you could meet me at a gym.  I found a place where I can train people.  I chose my favorite five clients, and you made the list.’

How is that even possible?  I am the worst to him.  I mean, I threaten his life on a daily basis!  Oh well… I MADE THE LIST!!  Unfortunately, this doesn’t change the fact that I can’t go see the gym, but I am excited at the prospect of training with him again (guess I should have held my breath after all!!).

So, it’s Friday morning, and I place a mobile Starbucks order, hop in my car, and head down the street to grab my espresso.  I get out of the car, and walk with my head down, staring at my phone.  All of a sudden I hear, ‘Ohhh… I thought you were going to see your grandparents.  That’s why you couldn’t meet up with me’!  I look up, and see my old trainer.  I’m completely startled.  This is the equivalent to seeing a teacher outside of school.  It’s just not supposed to happen.

I pull myself together, and start laughing and telling him that I am just grabbing my coffee, and headed to see my grandparents.  He asks if I have five minutes to check out the gym, and before I can resist, he pulls me down the sidewalk.

We walk into this space full of VERY athletic looking people.  Women are seamlessly puling themselves up on bars. People are lifting weights as if they were picking up feathers.  Most of the space is what the ‘Green’ looks like at the gym.  Remember the ‘green’?  The space in the gym that I hate the most?  This place was 100% ‘green’ area.

My trainer explains that he can train me here, and he can do it the way he really wants to.  ‘You’re going to transform’ he says.

All I can think about are all the ways I’ll picture hurting him, while training here.

#newbeginnings

 

 

You Got A Friend In Me…

Or not.  (stick with me, this is lengthy, but worth it)

A few posts ago, I mentioned that when you lose weight, or change your lifestyle, it seems that so many other things change along with it.

For real.  I had no idea how losing weight, and changing my bad habits, would affect the people around me.  Most of the amazing people in my life understand that this is the best thing for me, and do their best to support me.  Some don’t.

I mean to an extent, I can understand why some people start to pull away.  When you’re used to going out to eat with someone, and having drinks, and talking about weight and how you wish you could lose some, and stuffing your face with crappy food because you wallow about your life together- it must be hard when someone in that relationship changes, and doesn’t do any of that anymore.

What doesn’t make sense to me, is that if you’re ‘good friends’ with someone, and you have shared some seriously intimate parts of your life with them, and you have supported each other through thick and thin, that that ‘good friend’ would disappear, instead of being there for you, when you decided to be the best version of yourself.

Nope.

For me and my friendship, it started out great.  This person was by my side every step of the way on this journey.  She would tell me that she would support me, and instead of drinking and going out to eat when we hung out, we could go walking, or get a coffee!  She was so supportive, caring, loving.  She even bought me a bunch of really helpful things for my weightless journey, including shaker bottles, and a journal, among other amazing items.  That sounds like the kind of person you would want in your corner, when you decide to change your life for the better, right?  That’s what I thought, too.

Apparently I’m wrong.  I’m still not quite sure what happened, or even why it happened.  I can’t seem to put my finger on one specific event that may have triggered the downfall of our relationship.  In fact, there wasn’t even a downfall.  It just stopped.  Everything STOPPED.  No more support.  No more encouragement.  No more spending time together.  Even our daily (all day, every day) texts stopped.  I mean, completely out of the blue.  Done.

Sometimes, I think about it and get really deep in my thoughts, and start beating myself up.  What if I hadn’t started to take care of myself?  What if I kept going out with her to bars, just like we have for years and years?  What if I didn’t change?  Would she still be by my side?  And then I have to remind myself that I am doing this for ME.  First and foremost, I needed to be healthy again.  I would do this all over, in a heartbeat, even knowing that I would lose one of the closest, most important people to me.

Maybe someday she will wander back into my life, and I will be able to put this behind me, and reconnect.  Maybe I’ll even find out what really happened and why I lost her in the first place.  Maybe… but if I don’t, I have to remind myself, that what’s happened, happened.  What’s done, is done.

I am healthy.  I am working on being happy.  If people don’t support that, then there is no space for them in my life.  In fact, even if I wasn’t on this journey, I wouldn’t be able to keep someone like that, around me.  No one should.

We live in a society where the number of Facebook ‘friends’, or Instagram followers you have, defines how… I don’t know, popular you are?  Maybe well liked?  I don’t know.  I just know that recently, in light of this loss of friendship, I have deleted many people from my Facebook friends list.  I am done pretending to be friends.  I want genuine, real, supportive, amazing, happy, positive people around me.  Period.

Was this entry a downer?  I hope not.  Writing it was therapeutic. I got this off my chest, and out of my head.  Everyone should be able to share their struggles. Everyone should feel supported when they need it most.  End of story.

Flaws

Ok, we all have flaws.  There isn’t one person who is ‘perfect’.  I mean, what is perfect, anyways?  I also think that we can all be our own worst critics.  Am I right? Or is that just  me?  For as long as I can remember, I have looked in the mirror, and seen someone who I thought had pretty eyes, or (on a good day, and after YEARS of hating it) had pretty hair.  I have never looked in the mirror and thought, “You look SO good” or “You’re so pretty!”, despite what people try to tell me that THEY see.  Anyways, the point is, I never looked at myself without seeing all my flaws.  I look in the mirror and I pick apart my face, my neck, the way my shirt fits, how my pants are tight and what the hell am I going to do when I am out to dinner and I can’t breath in them?!  (that’s a real life problem)

I thought as I lost weight, that I would see clearly when I looked into the mirror (I can see clearly now, the fat is gone….).  Instead, I still see the Fatty Ally.  I know in reality I look better, and I see the number on the scale, but to me, I feel like I look as heavy as I was before.  #bodydysmorphia

I currently wear a size jean that I haven’t seen since High School, and I still look at my rolls.  Isn’t that crazy?  65 lbs lighter, and all I see are the same bulging bits of fat, that I did before.  What’s really incredible, is that when OTHER people see my pictures, they are astonished with my accomplishments, and they don’t see my flaws, at all.  At least SOMEONE can see the difference.

Every once in a while, something will pop out and remind me that, ‘yes, you did lose a shit ton of weight, and you ARE different’.  The latest being (are you ready for this?) Crossing.My.Legs.  Like, I cross my legs, and it’s not uncomfortable!!  Only the heavy can appreciate and understand that Non Scale Victory.  How do I explain the next example… When I fold my laundry, I look at my shirts, pants, really anything, and I think, that’s so small!  I have to remind myself that IT FITS ME.

I know that loving who I am comes with time.   Seeing who I am now, will come with time as well.  I know this.  While I wait for that to happen, I will continue on this journey, and work my ass off.

Keep on wunning!

IMG_5700

Clearly, I document EVERYTHING, but this was totally worth it.

 

Because I Don’t Want To Look Dumb

I have always wanted to try yoga. I think I’ve told every body.  Usually, the conversation goes something like this:

Me: ‘Oh, you do yoga? I’ve always wanted to try it’
Them: ‘You should!!’
Me: ‘I don’t know.  I’m really not flexible, and I don’t want to look dumb’
Them: ‘No!!  Go to a beginners class!’

And that, my friends, is what brings me to this entry.

It’s Saturday.  I’m dressed in my work out clothes because, well, I’m always dressed in work out clothes.  I’m out doing errands, and I brought my sneakers so I could go to the gym, before I went home.  Unfortunately, I forgot my socks.  Tragic.  After errands, I go home with the intention of grabbing socks, and heading back out;  But I didn’t.  Would you?  It’s kind of like walking into a vortex when you pass through the front door of your home.  Once you’re in, you’re not getting out.

I knew that I would be super upset with myself if I didn’t work out, and I told myself to go to the gym, but my body just wouldn’t move.  All of a sudden I have a thought.  Does my Smart TV have an app for working out?  On the search I go, and after a few minutes the verdict is?  It sure does!  It even has a yoga app.  So, I download both.

The first I do is put on a regular work out, where I follow this unbelievably fit, gorgeous woman.  Annoying but I keep going.  I followed along as long as I possibly could- heaving and struggling my way through it.  The whole time, I’m listening to the most annoying calm voice of the instructor, and trying my damnedest to find a drop of sweat on Pipsqueak Barbie.  I did about 16 minutes, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but the work out was so fast paced and intense that I started to lose my balance.  Wouldn’t wanna fall when you’re home alone, am I right Life Alert?

FullSizeRender

This is when Pipsqueak and I took a selfie.  I probably should have told her to smile wider.

When I couldn’t do any more push ups and lunges, I decided to ‘cool down’ with some BEGINNER yoga.   I pop that sucker on, and I make it through a few moves, which is incredible because I am the least flexible human being on the planet.  But… Do you want to know when I quit?  DO YOU?  I quit when my beginner yoga video tried to make me do THIS:

IMG_5787

I mean.. WHAT IN THE HELL??  Beginner yoga?  I was hoping that it would be more “child’s pose” and “bridge” and less “balance all of your weight on your poor wrists and hands’.  This was like throwing me straight to the wolves.  So, I quit.

I guess it’s back to the gym I go… tomorrow.

 

 

The Super Nice Things You Hear While You’re Losing Weight

I bet you actually know where this is going.   I mean, obviously people are so happy for you when you become healthier, and lose weight.  Some ask you how you did it, or what your ‘secret’ is.  Other people encourage you to keep going, and cheer you on.

What’s funny is, when you’re overweight, people will say things like, “You have such a pretty face”.  Am I the only one that thinks that’s hilarious? Because, really what they’re saying is, ‘You have such a pretty face, and if you lost weight, you would be so beautiful!’.  Right?  At least that’s what I THINK they mean, because I am hard on myself.

So, over the last 5 months (and any other time I’ve lost weight, prior to this), people have said some amazing things to me.  Things that would blow your mind.  Like, I wouldn’t walk up to someone and say anything like this, but… maybe that’s just me.

The latest batch of comments have been incredible.  Outstanding if you will.  But, not in a good way.  In fact, I would jot down what people would say in a note on my phone, just so I could remember it!

Let’s begin… (buckle up, it’s gonna get bumpy)

  •  “Where’d your boobs go?!”  We can also add in “You’re flat now!” and “You just weren’t blessed in that area!”.  I mean, they are all in the very same category.  If you’re thinking that NO ONE could say things like this, you’d be wrong.  I actually heard every single one of these (two of which were from my Mom.  Isn’t she cute?  Thank goodness she can get away with saying it.  Hi, Mom!).
  • “You have tiny legs, and bigger thighs.  I mean, they aren’t huge thighs…they just don’t match the bottom half”.  Let that one sink in.  Apparently I have upside-down triangles for legs.  Wanna guess who said this to me?  My trainer.  I’ll give him credit because he was trying to explain why the fuck he makes me do 3,000 calf raises a day.   Basically, he’s trying to transform my legs from upside-down triangles to rectangles, I guess.
  • “You’re wasting away!”.  Ok, I will admit that I actually kind of, sort of, deep down, appreciated this one.  I mean, damn right I’m wasting away!  I’m FINALLY losing weight!!
  • “You’re SO skinny!  Your feet even look anorexic”.  That was after sending my BEST FRIEND an image from a dressing room photo shoot.  It’s ok, she meant it with love.

BRACE YOURSELVES… THIS ONE IS THE BEST.ONE.YET!

  • This one started with a simple “How much weight have you lost?” and it was followed up with “OH MY GOD!  YOU WERE SOOOO BIG!”  I’m using caps for a reason, because the person who said this did it with his eyes WIDE open, and his voice raised.  This gem, my fun friends, was from my boss.

So, I won’t be all Debbie-Downer here.  Most people are so nice, and so genuine in their reactions to seeing my changes.  Even these insane comments come from a place of love, and support.  I know that.  I didn’t even take (that much) offense to the last one!   Ok, I may have messaged everyone I know, telling them what he said, but whatever.  I know that his comment was just his gut reaction to hearing about my weight loss.

I will end this word vomit by sharing a collage of Dressing Room Selfies, from my photo shoots… because you know you wanted to see it.image1

Isn’t it hilarious that I look like I got shorter in the last one? ahhh.. the power of angles.