As If I Didn’t Already Know

I’m warming up at the gym.  I have a resistance band around my knees, and I am doing squats, then walking down the track, sideways, turning around going back, and doing it all over again.  I’m bent over, butt out, hands all dangly wangly- because I don’t know what the fuck to do with them.

‘I look stupid’, I say.

‘Well, you’re not an athlete, so you would think it was weird.  You don’t have an athletic stance’, he confidently responded.

Well shit, Franz.  Thanks for pointing out the obvious!  It’s almost as if I didn’t already know that I wasn’t athletic.  Oh, but I do.  I mean, holy crap, we can flash back to the multiple times I have written about maybe looking athletic, but not actually being athletic.  I’m well aware.

The confidence in me did something it would never have done before… it shot up.  I started to say to myself, ‘You can do this. You may think you look stupid, but no one else thinks you look stupid.  Keep Going.’  And I did- dangly wangly arms, and all.

Then I stopped mid-walk, grabbed my butt to soothe the muscle ache, and picked my wedge.  Ahh yes… everything is back to normal.




The Ten Worst Words I Could Hear

‘You have the rest of your life to work out’.

That’s what my boss said when we were talking about how much I hate Lower Body Murder Day and that I think I may have a hernia (more details on that later, when I have confirmation).

To elaborate, I had these bumps checked out by my doctor, but we aren’t sure if they are in fact hernias, and I am scheduled to see a surgeon.  I was talking to my boss, who is fit, athletic, and nutritionally smart.  He is my go to when I have dumb questions.  Anyways, we were chatting about these potential hernias (Yes, I know…HerniaSSSS. Two.) and he told me to take it easy at the gym.  Listen to my body.  Don’t let Franz push me to a point of no return because I don’t want to hurt myself.

Then he said it.

“You have the rest of your life to work out”.  Inside I thought, ‘OUCH.  You mean, my one work out tonight doesn’t count for forever?  You mean that I will still be doing this shit when I’m 90??’

I’m no dummy.  I know that tonights work out doesn’t count for forever.  I know that years from now, I’ll still struggle to complete some work outs and that I will push myself to new limits and new goals.  I know this… but I don’t like thinking about it.  I mean… compare it to hearing ‘You will be working for the rest of your life’.  Painful to hear, right?  That’s not exactly what he meant though, but it’s how I heard it.  What he meant was, I don’t need to feel like I HAVE to push myself to my limits RIGHT NOW, because if I get hurt, or hurt myself farther then I already have, then I won’t be able to do it long term.  Makes sense.

I proceeded to go to training, and Franz encouraged me and pushed me on a lower body work out that was concentrating on my midsection.  My abs (remember those 12 pack abs under my E.T. exterior??) were throbbing before I even left the gym.  I managed to complete 30 side planks on each side, 30 J-Curls, 60 lunges, and 54 squats among other things.  I didn’t cry, I almost barely complained, and I only talked about someday being in a full-body cast, once.


Defying The Limits I Clearly Set For Myself

So, before we begin, go refresh your pretty little memories of the epic blog entry below.

Wait, You’re Stronger Now.  Try This.

Ok.  Was that fun?  Are you ready to see where this goes?

It’s Upper Body Murder day, and Franz has me starting on the rowing machine doing 500 meters, immediately making fun of me for going too slow (I do 500 meters in about 2.5 minutes..), and telling me all about how HARD the following work out will be.  You could literally see the look of pure evil and joy in his eyes.

The work out started out pretty normally. Heavy weight, me complaining, Franz rolling his eyes.  All very normal.

Normal, until he told me to come over to him.  He was standing under the dreaded bar.  The pull up bar.  I groaned. I said, out loud, ‘You seriously must be on crack if you think I’m going to do this.  Do you remember what happened the last time?  Remember the heart attack I gave you?  DO YOU WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AGAIN?!‘  The only other woman in the gym audibly laughed.  I am obviously spreading joy everywhere I go.

I begrudgingly walked over to him, and he was holding this massive rubber band loop that was attached to the bar above.

‘Put your foot in this’,  he said.

I lift my leg, and put my foot into the band.  He lets go and my leg immediately shoots out in front of me, 90 degrees.  I start dying laughing.  Franz hates me.

‘Put your foot down and keep your feet together’, he ordered.

I follow the instructions.

‘Now… pull yourself up.’, he said, like the delusional man he is.

I do.  I pull myself up.  The band allowed me some assistance on the way up, and some control on the way down.  Wait- it was supposed to control me on the way down, but we all know how awkward and fucked up I am.  I go down, and my legs go all wobbly and swing out in front of me.  This doesn’t happen once, or twice… it happens literally every time I try to go down.  Franz is getting annoyed.  I’m laughing, but I have officially done 10 chin-ups.

I will say, between the tears in my eyes from laughing, and the core strength to keep my legs controlled, I was kind of proud of myself.  Well, like half proud. You may be questioning why I was only half proud of myself.  Well, in my head, the band is a crutch.  This is a fake way to do chin-ups.  It has to be.  When I say this to Franz, he rolls his eyes, and tells me it’s not cheating, and points out the fact that I have now done 20 chin-ups.

BTW- In between each set, I had to do bench presses with 25 pound weights in each hand.  When I was done, I had to get that damn foot back into that damn rubber band…without accidentally kicking Franz in the damn face.

Each set of chin-ups I did, looked ridiculous.   I was constantly swearing under my breath, and my shirt was getting caught on the band, and E.T. was popping out.  It may or may not have been the most attractive thing I have ever had the pleasure of watching in the gym mirror.  Poor Franz had a front row seat to this shit show.

Below is a picture of what this exercise could look like, IF I was a normal person.  Thank God there isn’t an actual image of me attempting it.


P.S. In the end, I managed a total of 30 chin-ups.  We’ve come a l-o-n-g way, friends.

Proof Is In The Numbers

I’m at the gym on training day.  I’m doing my first exercise of the night- throwing a medicine ball down as hard as I can, then picking it up, throwing it forward, walking to it, and doing it all over again.  I hate this work out.  HATE THIS WORK OUT… but something changed on my last throw.  A woman working out nearby saw the medicine ball and said, ‘WOW!  Twenty pounds?!’.  Franz said, ‘YEP!’.  I sat, confused.  This isn’t normal?  Is that a lot of weight?  Apparently it is…

That’s what’s so funny about working out with Franz.  I am pushed to do things I wouldn’t do on my own, and sometimes, I don’t even realize how physically strong I am.

So, let’s go over a couple of the numbers from this particular work out day.  After my twenty pound medicine ball throwing, I did 10 reps-4 times, of pulling 135 pounds back in what I call the ‘Pull Back’.  Good enough name, right?  Wouldn’t it be lovely if I knew (or listened) to the real names??  In between reps, I did 10 push ups.  Kill me.  Next up, was planking, but I had to plank on one arm, while moving weights from one side of my body to the other, and then switch to the other arm.  In between reps, I pushed a 25 lb weight over my head, one arm at a time.  Fast forward a few more fancy moves, and my very last ‘challenge’ was holding 40 lb kettle bells in each hand (90 lbs!!  (Almost) Exactly what I’ve lost!) , and walking back and forth down the track, for 2 minutes.  Sounds like it might be easy… it’s not.

Numbers don’t lie.  I don’t know where I started… but holy crap I can do a lot more than I thought I could, now.

P.S.- I am writing this and my arms are shaking.  The next two days are gonna be rough.

P.P.S- Today I taught the little boy I nanny how to show his muscles (and grunt while doing it).  Clearly an important skill.


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I’m sensitive.  Underneath the funny, sarcastic, fowl mouthed exterior, I am sensitive.  Sometimes I find these more serious Memes and my sensitive, sentimental side comes out. I think about where I have come from.  Ninety pounds ago, I thought I … Continue reading

Jump Up, Jump Up, Don’t Fall Down

My nieces came to visit over the weekend.  Being the spoiled littles that they are, every time they come, we love to do something extra special with them.  This trip, we had something GOLDEN planned.

My brother, his wife, and I brought them to a trampoline park.  When we walked in, the place was a freaking zoo.  We should have known; It was a holiday weekend.  Kids were EVERYWHERE and the sheer volume of noise in this place was overwhelming.  I was a little nervous that this would throw them off… but we got lucky, they were ready to jump.  By the way, when I told Franz what we were doing with them, his actual response to me was, “You probably shouldn’t go unattended.  You’re gonna hurt yourself, or break something.”.  #supportive

We checked in, and headed to the trampolines.  OFF.  THEY.  WENT.  I’ll admit, I was a little nervous to get onto the trampoline.  In my head, I’m still 90 lbs heavier; But this year is all about change, and facing fears, and I got on that shit, and jumped.  It was so much fun!  We had a blast jumping, bouncing (and watching other, more daring people flip).  The girls were completely carefree and going wild.  They loved every second.

I won’t even lie- I had to remind myself to relax my body, because that shit hurt my back if I jumped to stiffly.  Also, all I could think was ‘What’s Jiggling?” while I bounced.  But you know what?  Who the fuck cares?  There were hundreds of kids and adults there.  I was just one in the crowd, and I was having fun!

An hour and a half of jumping later, we took our tired girls to get ice cream for lunch (because that’s what you do when you’re an aunt and uncle).

When we left the park, a friend messaged and asked if I had fun.  I said, ‘I did! It was great!  We just got into the car to leave.’  Without skipping a beat, the return message was ‘In a car?  Not a van with flashing lights??  I’m impressed.’  It really is amazing the amount of supportive (and clearly hilarious) people I have around me.


this place was no joke.