This is what happened that time I was suckered into going to a spin class at night, after doing about 7,000 lunges in the morning, with Franz.
I was bored at home, so I decided I would go to the gym, and walk while watching Netflix on my phone. At least I’d be moving, right? When I got to the gym, a familiar face greeted me. We will call her Spin Devil. Spin Devil is at the gym every single morning. She’s adorable; Totally fit, super social, and soon, I will see how much of a fucking maniac she is.
Spin Devil sees me, and says, ‘ALLY!! WHY ARE YOU HERE?? ARE YOU COMING TO MY SPIN CLASS??’
Me: Uhhh.. haha! Oh, hey! Why are YOU still here? You were here for three hours this morning (while thinking: which is clearly why you’re so damn cute and fit, you bitch)! Ahh umm.. I was bored at home, so I decided to come here (while thinking: Does that make me sound like SUPER fit like YOU?).
Spin Devil: No way!! Ok, don’t go anywhere… You’re coming to spin.
Me: I’ll Die.
Spin Devil: No you won’t. You work out with Franz all the time!
~~~~~3 MINUTES LATER~~~~~
I walk into the spin studio where Spin Devils bike is up on a stage under intense red and blue lighting. There are two rows of bikes, so naturally I choose one in the darkest back corner. Spin Devil took my shit off the bike, and moved it to one closer to her view. She knew me too well…
At this point, I put on the special spin sneakers, and I am then LOCKED into the pedals on the damn bike by Spin Devil and another person taking the class.
Spin Devil takes her seat. She puts a screen on, above her head, and immediately the names of everyone taking the class is in full display with a number next to them. I realized that my fucking speed would be tracked, and shown to EVERYONE! I wasn’t going to be able to slow down without people knowing!! The music starts, the lights in the room dim, and we GO.
My legs are pumping as fast as they can comfortably go, while keeping a good pace. I’m desperately following along as Spin Devil dips her chest towards the bike. I copy while she is moving her hands from one set of handles, to another. Every move felt so confusing. I had to pump my feet, listen to the music, pay attention to where my hands are, stay on the beat of the music, listen to Spin Devil, stand up, dip my chest….. IT WAS ALL TOO MUCH!
At some points I would realize I was focusing so much on where my hands were, or pumping to the music, that my spinning would slow down… and guess what?? EVERYONE KNEW, BECAUSE IT WAS DISPLAYED ON SCREEN!!!
When I realized I was slowing down, I would push harder, and pump my legs faster; and let me tell you- Thank the good lord that my feet were locked onto the peddles, because I most definitely would have fallen right off that bike, if they weren’t.
At this point at least 3 hours have passed, I am heaving for air, and sweat is pouring off of my head. That’s precisely when Spin Devil said, ‘OK LADIES!! ARE YOU WARMED UP? ARE YOU READY TO GO?!’
For a second I thought she was kidding, and then I realized only one song had played, and we hadn’t been going for 3 hours, but more like 3 minutes. I was definitely going to die.
We’re four songs in, at this point, and I am currently crying inside, and it’s quite possible that some of the sweat running down my face is actually tears. Who knows, any more? Spin Devil stops yelling instructions to say that everyone is doing a great job, which I know is a big fat lie. She can see me! I. AM. NOT. DOING. WELL.
It was about this time when she says what I was sure was a joke… ‘Ladies, take a minute to grab some water! You earned it!’. My honest to god reaction was, ‘WHAT???? MINE IS ALMOST GONE, ALREADY!’
I couldn’t, for the life of me, get my ass off the seat during most of the class. As Spin Devil was up and down and in and out, I was just hanging on for dear life and trying not to fall and take the bike with me.
This is when Spin Devil said the funniest joke ever… ‘Ok! Grab your weights, ladies!!’, except it wasn’t a joke. No, Spin Devil doesn’t joke. In one of the water holders on my bike, sat two small hand weights. They were maybe 2.5lbs. each. Guys, I lift 40lb weights over my head with one hand… 2.5lbs is a joke. HA! Ha! Ha ha ha….. umm, It’s all fun and games, until my legs are moving at the speed of light, sweat is stinging my eyeballs, and now I have to make sure my core is tight so that I can lift these suckers up over my head, and out to my sides, without sliding off of the front of the seat on the bike. Let me tell you; That 2.5lb weight starts to feel like 25lbs. It’s official: I’m dying.
Seventy Seven songs later, and we are finally at the end of this torture. We slow down, and do some cooling down, and stretching, all while slowly peddling. At this point, I realized that I didn’t stop pumping my legs for 50 minutes. That was incredible for me!! I had to literally tell myself that it was OK that I couldn’t stand and pump this time. It was my first time, and I never stopped moving, and remember, I did a gajillion squats in the morning! My legs can only handle so much! I never stopped moving. That’s what counts.
Also, spin still sucks. No I don’t want to go back. No it wont get better.