I Don’t Want To Die At The Gym

Have I ever told you about how Franz likes to show off?  He wouldn’t admit it, but I know.  Listen, I’ve been working out with Franz for two and a half years.  I know him like any good gym wife should.

This is how Franz’s ‘showing off’ made me think I would die in the gym.

First training session of the week:
Normal work out. Me; Dying and complaining.  Franz; Rolling his eyes trying not to kill me.  We’re doing all of the usual suspects in my training, except for maybe adding a few extra pounds here and there.  Honestly, I don’t know.  I don’t pay attention.  I couldn’t remember a routine at the gym, if I tried.  I have no clue how much weight I lift because when I try to add it up, Franz yells at me, and when I ask him how much weight it is, he yells at me.  So, basically I have just realized that this is Franz’s way to have job security.  Oh well.

OK so, I was doing hex bar dead lifts, and in between sets, Franz would add more weight. Everything was going nice and smoothly, until the gaggle of (insert name of snooty town) moms came waltzing around the corner with their group trainer.  In that very moment, Franz changed.  Everything changed.

I’m about to do my last set of eight reps.  Franz is busy loading the hex bar with as many weight plates he can find.  The ladies working out, are inching closer.  This is Franz’s time to shine!  Look at me!  I can train a girl to lift like the burly man she is!!’.

I step into the bar, and position myself to lift.  I’m squatting down, holding the bar, listening to Franz tell me ‘this is going to be heavy’.  I know I can’t fuck up.  I have to make Franz look like the hero he is!  I start to lift the bar, and………   Fast forward.  I lifted that sucker a whole 4 times.  That’s all I could manage.

As I stepped out of the bar, I started to add up the weight, to see how much I just dead lifted. Like always, Franz snipped at me… but then he went silent.  About a minute later, he said ‘210’.  Me, ‘what?’.  Franz, ‘You lifted 210 pounds.  You asked me and I’m telling you.’

OK first, two hundred and ten pounds???  Holy shit.  And secondly, Franz officially looks like the hero of the day.  You’re welcome, Franz.  Everyone saw you proving how amazing you are at being a trainer. *insert eye roll*
(seriously Franz, I love you.  You know I do.)

So, lets head on over to the second day of training, in the same week.  I am on the green (FML) mixed in with the moms, who are circuit training.  Franz throws a 40lb bar bell on the floor in front of me, and says, ‘Renegade rows- 8 each arm. Then get up and do overhead presses- 8 each arm.’

I get down on the ground in position for renegade rows.  I know 40 pounds is heavier than normal.  Why, you ask?  Have you been listening?  Franz is showing off again, and remember, I’m in a sea of people to impress.  I go through the rowing, and stand up.  I pick up the barbell, and put it in position on my shoulder.  As I push my body to lift the weight over my head, Franz pipes up, ‘That’s the most weight you’ve ever lifted over your head’.

OK guys… I am officially petrified.

Me: OH MY GOD.  Is it really??  Ugh.. I don’t want to drop this on my head and die at the gym.  That would be a terrible place to die.  I don’t want to die at the gym!!! (while lifting at a pretty steady pace)
Him: Yeah, you’re not going to die.  Keep going, keep your core tight. (not having the least bit of concern that I may actually die)
Me: Wait… or do I??  If I died at the gym, I’d go out looking like an athletic hero, right?!
Him: Yeah, and then they could put a plaque and a picture of you on the wall.’

‘She died doing what she did best…until that day, that is.’

P.S. At the end of my session, Franz picked up my water bottle and made me do lunges all the way down the track.  He wouldn’t even give me my water, until I reached the end.  I think he read The Front Is For Go, The Back Is For Show! and knows that lunges at the end of training are the worst thing in the world, to me (right next to literally everything in the gym).

**FOOTNOTE:  I know Franz isn’t just showing off.  He knows my capability, and is honestly working on making me stronger, and more confident.  I just wanted everyone to know that.  Also, in case Franz reads this… don’t hurt me.

The Day After Spin

This is a follow up to my last post “Spin Class Of Death”.

It’s the morning after spin, and I needed to follow up on my post because the pain didn’t stop when I got off that god forsaken bike.

This morning, my ass hurts so badly.  Also, I’m pretty I have a permanent imprint of a bike seat on my back side.

I haven’t stopped coughing since last night.  I’m pretty sure I have adult onset asthma.  I think this one class kicked up 10 years of whatever is in my lungs.

I have the hips of an elderly woman.

I have a bruise on my thigh.  I don’t know why, or where it came from, but it’s there.

 

Spinning is death.

Spin Class Of Death

This is what happened that time I was suckered into going to a spin class at night, after doing about 7,000 lunges in the morning, with Franz.

I was bored at home, so I decided I would go to the gym, and walk while watching Netflix on my phone.  At least I’d be moving, right?  When I got to the gym, a familiar face greeted me.  We will call her Spin Devil.  Spin Devil is at the gym every single morning.  She’s adorable; Totally fit, super social, and soon, I will see how much of a fucking maniac she is.

Spin Devil sees me, and says, ‘ALLY!! WHY ARE YOU HERE?? ARE YOU COMING TO MY SPIN CLASS??’

Me: Uhhh.. haha! Oh, hey! Why are YOU still here?  You were here for three hours this morning (while thinking: which is clearly why you’re so damn cute and fit, you bitch)! Ahh umm.. I was bored at home, so I decided to come here (while thinking: Does that make me sound like SUPER fit like YOU?).

Spin Devil:  No way!! Ok, don’t go anywhere… You’re coming to spin.

Me:  I’ll Die.

Spin Devil: No you won’t.  You work out with Franz all the time!

~~~~~3 MINUTES LATER~~~~~

I walk into the spin studio where Spin Devils bike is up on a stage under intense red and blue lighting.  There are two rows of bikes, so naturally I choose one in the darkest back corner.  Spin Devil took my shit off the bike, and moved it to one closer to her view.  She knew me too well…

At this point, I put on the special spin sneakers, and I am then LOCKED into the pedals on the damn bike by Spin Devil and another person taking the class.

Spin Devil takes her seat.  She puts a screen on, above her head, and immediately the names of everyone taking the class is in full display with a number next to them.  I realized that my fucking speed would be tracked, and shown to EVERYONE! I wasn’t going to be able to slow down without people knowing!!  The music starts, the lights in the room dim, and we GO.

My legs are pumping as fast as they can comfortably go, while keeping a good pace.  I’m desperately following along as Spin Devil dips her chest towards the bike. I copy while she is moving her hands from one set of handles, to another.  Every move felt so confusing.  I had to pump my feet, listen to the music, pay attention to where my hands are, stay on the beat of the music, listen to Spin Devil, stand up, dip my chest….. IT WAS ALL TOO MUCH!

At some points I would realize I was focusing so much on where my hands were, or pumping to the music, that my spinning would slow down… and guess what??  EVERYONE KNEW, BECAUSE IT WAS DISPLAYED ON SCREEN!!!

When I realized I was slowing down, I would push harder, and pump my legs faster; and let me tell you-  Thank the good lord that my feet were locked onto the peddles, because I most definitely would have fallen right off that bike, if they weren’t.

At this point at least 3 hours have passed, I am heaving for air, and sweat is pouring off of my head.  That’s precisely when Spin Devil said, ‘OK LADIES!! ARE YOU WARMED UP? ARE YOU READY TO GO?!’

For a second I thought she was kidding, and then I realized only one song had played, and we hadn’t been going for 3 hours, but more like 3 minutes.  I was definitely going to die.

We’re four songs in, at this point, and I am currently crying inside, and it’s quite possible that some of the sweat running down my face is actually tears.  Who knows, any more? Spin Devil stops yelling instructions to say that everyone is doing a great job, which I know is a big fat lie.  She can see me!  I. AM. NOT. DOING. WELL.

It was about this time when she says what I was sure was a joke… ‘Ladies, take a minute to grab some water!  You earned it!’.  My honest to god reaction was, ‘WHAT????  MINE IS ALMOST GONE, ALREADY!’

I couldn’t, for the life of me, get my ass off the seat during most of the class.  As Spin Devil was up and down and in and out, I was just hanging on for dear life and trying not to fall and take the bike with me.

This is when Spin Devil said the funniest joke ever… ‘Ok!  Grab your weights, ladies!!’, except it wasn’t a joke.  No, Spin Devil doesn’t joke.  In one of the water holders on my bike, sat two small hand weights.  They were maybe 2.5lbs. each.  Guys, I lift 40lb weights over my head with one hand… 2.5lbs is a joke.  HA!  Ha! Ha ha ha….. umm, It’s all fun and games, until my legs are moving at the speed of light, sweat is stinging my eyeballs, and now I have to make sure my core is tight so that I can lift these suckers up over my head, and out to my sides, without sliding off of the front of the seat on the bike.  Let me tell you;  That 2.5lb weight starts to feel like 25lbs.  It’s official: I’m dying.

Seventy Seven songs later, and we are finally at the end of this torture.  We slow down, and do some cooling down, and stretching, all while slowly peddling.  At this point, I realized that I didn’t stop pumping my legs for 50 minutes.  That was incredible for me!!  I had to literally tell myself that it was OK that I couldn’t stand and pump this time.  It was my first time, and I never stopped moving, and remember, I did a gajillion squats in the morning!  My legs can only handle so much!  I never stopped moving.  That’s what counts.

 

Also, spin still sucks. No I don’t want to go back. No it wont get better.

The Morning After

We all have regrets.  We have all done things, fully knowing it wasn’t good for us.   We have ALL woken up in the morning the next day, and thought, ‘oh god, what have I done?’.  I see you party weekend, and raise you a lazy cold Sunday!

Oh, not where you thought I was going with that?  Get your mind out of the gutter.  I’m referring to those weekend binges, or those lazy Sundays when nothing sounds better than shitty food and Netflix.  Ohh!  Or, those days when you’re too tired/lazy/busy to cook dinner and ordering a big, FAT delicious hot and steamy pizza just sounds like the right idea.  THOSE DAYS.

I’ve been having a lot of those days, lately.  In fact, every night, when I’m laying in bed, and my body is slowly relaxing to the point of a deep sleep, and I’m FINALLY falling asleep, that’s the exact moment when my brain goes ‘NO WAY JOSE!  REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID TO ME TODAY? YOU SUCKKKKKK!’

So, anyways, I’d like to think that staying awake all night thinking about how I’ve abused my body and plotting how I’ll make it all better, makes a difference.  Instead, it just forces me to be lazy the next day, because I’m SO damn tired, and then we end up repeating the poor behavior, all over.

I could sit here, and tell you all about the magical things I have done to hold myself accountable.  I could tell you about how I am this all knowing being, and I solved all of my self-doubting, self-hating, poor behaviors.  But, unlike all those motivating and encouraging self help books we dive into, I am (currently) not that person.

Instead, I write this blog in full intention to have YOU hold ME accountable.  These are the things I am going to do for myself, and they may not be the same things you’d do for yourself.  I am printing pictures of myself from when I liked what I looked/felt like. Right now, every time I see them, a get a pang of jealousy of  ‘last year me’, so I know that having them in the fridge/snack cabinet/closet/etc. will snap me into focus.  Also, I’m putting an outfit together that there’s no way in hell I can squeeze myself into now, and I’m hanging it in full view in my room.  A reminder.

Listen, this might sound awful, and could be like your personal hell, but I think (read: hope) it’ll work a little bit, for me.  This is not intended to be my all encompassing problem solver… just a reminder of the regret.  Because, regret is born from a behavior or choice that we can usually change, and that’s what I intend to do.

re·gret

/rəˈɡret/
verb
feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).
“she immediately regretted her words”
noun
“she expressed her regret at Virginia’s death”

You Look Like A Dying Goat, But Only In The Face

I mean, he’s not wrong. I know what I look like when I work out…. I make terrible faces. I’ve definitely written about it before. Resting asshole face? I don’t know. Whatever it is, I have it. Especially when I’m dying at the gym.

The nice thing about Franz, is that he always has something super sweet to say. You know, like ‘you look like a dying goat’ or ‘you look stupid’. The best part is, I love it. It’s hilarious. I’m sure if he said this crap to any one else, it would be frowned upon. For me, it’s totally normal, and keeps me going. If it weren’t for the humor in all of this, I wouldn’t survive, I swear.

Now, I would write a whole blog post about this next gem, but I don’t think I could do it justice, so here it is.

Franz and I were talking about how I was CLEARLY and quite OBVIOUSLY his greatest accomplishment in the gym. I asked how he would describe that accomplishment, and I will quote him directly, so you can REALLY get the whole feeling.

‘The immaculate Transformation: From a Whale to a Dolphin

In theaters in January 2020’

Raise your hand if you’d watch that movie!!! 😂😂😂

(I would)

WUN.

The Front Is For Go, The Back Is For Show!

I hate lunges. Have I ever told you that? I HATE LUNGES. I don’t know why… but I do. Maybe it’s because Franz makes me do lunges with weights in my hands. I mean, that could be it, right? Adding weights clearly makes it way more challenging.

So, naturally, I’m dying at the gym, and I’m at the end of my work out. In the last few minutes, if Franz hasn’t already killed me, he tries harder. Yesterday was no different.

Get your trusty imaginations out. I’m heaving. Covered in sweat. Half crying. Swearing at Franz. Threatening his life.. and then he says it. ‘Ok, take these weights and do lunges’.

‘No! Please for the love of god no! I hate them! I’m so tired! Please NO!’

My cries of agony fall on the deaf, mean ears of my lovely trainer, and behind me, a middle aged woman pipes up,

‘You can do this! Lunges are good for the butt! THE FRONT IS FOR SHOW, THE BACK IS FOR GO!’

To be quite honest, I’m not quite sure wtf she means, but my head went in a few directions. She heads back to working out, and Franz and I look at each other and laugh.

Clearly, I am now motivated to lunge. HAHA! Yeah right…. But I do it. I grab the 30 pound weights in each hand, and lunge, lunge, lunge. Then overhead presses. Then back to lunge, lunge, lunges. (Please add in a solid minute of ‘rest’ a.k.a. dying on the floor, and Franz telling me to GET UP).

My work out is complete. My body is tired. I have sweat in my eyeballs. My legs are pulling a shaky Elvis move, and I am ready for a nap.

So, moral of the story is, lunges are for GO, apparently. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Also, they suck.

Is a nice butt really worth it?

Hole In The Rock

So imagine, you plan a trip to Phoenix Arizona. You’re so excited for the heat, the mountains, and hiking. However, we’re not talking about most YOU. We’re talking about ME.

I planned a trip to Arizona to escape the craziness that is my life, and visit my friend and her husband. Bonus was that it was my friends birthday weekend, and there is no other gift as special as my face.

So, I plan the trip and I explicitly tell them my plans. I’m sleeping, sitting by the pool, and probably going to cry a little bit (still missing my babies!). I threw in ‘a hike’ for good measure, not thinking we’d actually be motivated enough to do it.

Second day I’m there, and I get dressed in my bathing suit and pop some yoga pants on over it. With every single intention to sit at the pool, I pack a backpack with a towel, and I walk out into the living room where my friend and her husband were sitting.

Friend: so, do you want to go on an easy little walk? You can probably even wear those! (Pointing to my flip flops..)

She follows up with ‘its mostly flat, and its easy. Promise.’

Her husband says, yeah, you probably don’t want to wear flip flops. Throw some sneakers on.

So I do.

We hop in the car, and drive to an incredibly scenic spot called ‘Hole In The Rock’ in Papago Park. It’s a mountain… ok fine, a large ass hill. To my credit, it wasn’t flat, like my friend PROMISED. Thank god I had those sneakers on, huh?

We get out of the car, and my friend grabs her bottle of water with a mister at the top. Hmm, prepared. Me? Nothing. Convenient.

We start our trek to the ‘flat’ mountain. The first part is pretty easy. We’re walking on an incline to the back of the ‘rock’. It’s hot- like 95 degrees. To an east coast girl, that’s like 3,000 degrees. We make it to the back side of the rock, and there is a humongous hill. The hill is so steep, that there are make shift stairs built in. We take a deep breath, and begin our journey to the top.

OK, so it’s not too bad. I’m holding it together. Just a little misty sweat covering my face. Totally normal. Half way up the hill, and I’m just reminding myself to breath, as I focus on where I step. Guys, I’m not a hiker. I’d like to be adventurous, but I’m just not that person.

We make it to the top- my friend misting her face and gulping her water. Me; secret sweat dripping from the back of my hair line, down my back, and into my bathing suit. Super cute.

Here’s where my friend is THE BEST. She’s kind of sort of obsessed with taking pictures on her phone- and she’s really good at it. Whenever I’m with her, I feel like I’m in the middle of a photo shoot. So, I took the opportunity to climb some rocks and pose like a sexy model- in a bathing suit and gym clothes covered in sweat. Just like you’d see in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. I thought I looked amazing. Rocking my moves. Laughing and smiling and having a blasty blast. Little did I know, I looked like I looked more like a bad glamour shot.

At this point, we move to the top of the rock, where you can look through the ‘hole’ at the magnificent landscape of Phoenix. I’m talking, picture perfect palm trees, cactus, mountains… and if you looked past all the crazy people climbing all over this rock, and scaring the shit out of me as I picture them falling, it was incredible.

We felt accomplished. We felt like we had worked our asses off, and we were the epitome of fitness and strength. We high fives each other, and started our trek back down the enormous mountain.

When we get to the car, we decide that we obviously need Starbucks, and we set off on our next adventure to find caffeine.

That’s the story about how I became a mountain climber.